> ## Content Index > Fetch the complete content index at: https://elacrain.com/llms.txt > Use this file to discover other available public pages before exploring further. # Ding Dong - URL: https://elacrain.com/writing/ding-dong/ - Published: 2026-10-18T13:05:09.000Z - Updated: 2026-10-18T13:05:09.000Z - Description: I thought I was good at solving problems. Then I noticed what I was trying to solve. - Author: Ela Crain - Tags: HOW TO HUMAN, #writing I was waiting for a reply from a service provider. For six weeks. The person either ignored my messages or got back to me with excuses: the delivery was delayed, their van had broken down, the employee who was supposed to do the work was sick. I drafted yet another follow-up. I looked for someone else who could do the work. Then I sat down to meditate. A sensible sequence, you might think. Follow up, explore alternatives, settle yourself before deciding what to do. I thought so too, until I noticed what I wanted from the meditation: to stop feeling the frustration I felt. I was trying to get something unpleasant resolved immediately. > I was trying to become someone who wasn’t bothered. The repairs I needed were real, so was my frustration. But by then, I was dealing with an additional problem: I didn’t want to be frustrated. And I was putting considerable effort into that one. *Ding dong.* ## My mind as a shop You know those little shops that sell everything, where a bell rings when you walk in? A gentle ding dong. While I was frustrated on my meditation cushion, I saw my mind as one of those shops. The bell rings, and I get up. I stop whatever I’m doing, put on my most welcoming face, and prepare to attend to the customer. I want to be a good shopkeeper. Except sometimes the customer is already leaving, or the wind has moved the door, or a mosquito has flown in. That was what I noticed on the cushion. When a thought, a feeling, a need or a problem appears, I immediately set about deciding what to do with it. Understand it, resolve it, find out why it was there. I have, in deed, been very busy for someone sitting still. ## How a feeling becomes a task Give me a problem, and I can usually find someone to call, something to read, or a decision to make. I have benefited from this ability immensely throughout my life. It’s a very handy one. The difficulty is that I’ve recently noticed how often I apply the same approach to feelings, whether action would help or not. If I’m uncertain, I research. If I’m bored, I make plans. If an exchange has left me unsettled, I journal. Each response has a reasonable explanation. “What do I need to do right now?” is a brilliant question when something needs doing. But without an occasional check on the purpose, one action can lead to another, then another, long after we’ve done everything useful. Remedy? Another question: “Do I really need to fix this right now?” > “What do I need to do?” can get us out of quicksand. “Do I need to do anything else?” can keep us out of a rabbit hole. Sometimes a useful action can also be a way of avoiding a feeling. We can be right about the practical problem and still be rushing because we’re uncomfortable. > Being able to solve a problem doesn’t mean the feeling needs solving too. Let's put it this way. I don’t want to lose my ability to act. I want to become more aware of what I’m trying to accomplish through action. *Ding dong.* ## When meditation becomes another attempt After drafting what felt like my thousandth follow-up to that service provider, I sat down to meditate. I wanted to change my state, to usher the frustration out of my shop. That actually made things worse. The frustration appeared, and I tried to get rid of it. When it didn’t go, I got frustrated with the frustration. Then I tried to get rid of that too. I had started with one perfectly understandable feeling and somehow given myself several things to be annoyed about. I wasn’t particularly interested in noticing what the frustration felt like, or whether it told me anything useful about the situation or my mental state. I wanted it gone. Full stop. There’s nothing strange about wanting relief, of course. If a practice helps us feel calmer, it’s natural to return to it. And I’ve experienced enough benefits from meditation to keep practicing. But on this occasion, I noticed a condition attached to my willingness to sit: > This had better make me feel better. The problem was wanting a feeling go away, and judging the meditation by whether it had removed it. I could have gone for a run and done exactly the same thing. If I came back still frustrated, would that mean I’d failed at running too? > I was willing to sit with my frustration, provided it went away. *Ding dong.* So I tried something less ambitious. I let myself be upset without immediately making that the next thing to address. The person hadn’t replied. I didn’t like it. For the moment, I could leave those two facts alone. I didn’t need to decide whether the delay was acceptable. I didn’t need to find a generous explanation for it either. I could feel frustrated and postpone deciding what to do. In other words, I could simply stare at a problem, feel something and leave it all alone for the time being. Eventually the person messaged and the work got done. I have no reason to think my meditation had anything to do with their timing. What changed on the cushion was how much extra work I was giving myself while I waited. ## How an ache can turn into a verdict We can make the same jump with other feelings. Embarrassment about something we said becomes a judgment on our character. Uncertainty about a decision becomes proof that we can't trust ourselves. Disappointment in one person becomes a conclusion about what we can expect from people. The feelings, of course, deserve attention. The conclusions deserve examination. But they can seem inseparable when we’re in the middle of them, which is why I find it useful to come back to something smaller and more specific. > What am I feeling now? What am I about to do because of it? *Ding dong.* ## The non-practice of doing nothing about it There is a slightly inconvenient part of noticing the urge to fix things: wanting to become better at noticing it. *How long should I stay with the feeling? How often should I practice? At what point will I stop having to remind myself?* Do you see the vicious circle? I can hear the familiar impatience. *Ding dong.* This is where the ridiculousness of the phrase helps. It’s difficult to turn “ding dong” into a serious practice, an achievement, or self-criticism. It’s just a doorbell. A reminder that I’ve noticed something and can take a moment before responding. For now, a smaller time frame helps me. I don’t have to agree to feel this way forever. I can simply decide that, for the next minute, I won’t add another task. I can leave the unsent message and feel the urge to send it. The urge can be there without my having to obey it or argue with it. ## The repair still needs doing I want to be clear about this. When a service provider repeatedly fails to respond, you may need to hire someone else. If an arrangement isn’t working, it may need changing. Being able to tolerate frustration doesn’t make a bad fit good. The pause is just there to help us distinguish what the situation requires from the relief what we hope to get. Sometimes they point to the same action. Sometimes they don’t. > I can be responsible for my response without taking responsibility for someone else’s behavior. That distinction makes acceptance more practical for me. I’m allowing the feeling to be present while I assess the situation. I’m not agreeing to the situation continuing indefinitely. ## Five ways to try it You don’t need a new problem for this. The next time you find yourself trying to usher an emotion out of your mental store, there’s your opportunity. **1\. Catch the action you’re about to take.** Opening an app, drafting a message, making a plan, searching for advice, or doomscrolling. **2\. Ask what you want the action to change.** Are you trying to resolve an external problem, get useful information, find connection, or stop feeling uncomfortable? There may be more than one answer. Just be honest. **3\. Give the feeling a little attention.** Notice where and how you experience it in your body. Pressure, restlessness, a tight jaw, an urge to move. You don’t need an explanation for every sensation. See whether you can notice what is there without trying to change it. **4\. Choose a manageable pause.** If the situation can wait, try a few breaths. The aim is to give yourself a chance to choose. **5\. Return to the practical decision.** What still needs doing? Send the follow-up if it’s needed. Call a friend if you want company. Change a provider if they’re not responding. Just take that step without requiring it to settle feelings or frustrations. Having said all that, I would still prefer people to answer important messages. I had no spiritual breakthrough on that front so far. In fact, I expect I’ll keep drafting messages, looking for alternatives, and occasionally sitting down to meditate with very specific expectations.